I’m sure the followers of this project noticed my absence from the #dssf17 tag this week, and that is because I wasn’t there to make the jokes and comments that I usually make to spice up the hashtag while Christina tries to make us look good.
The quick explanation? I went home because I needed some time to collect myself. A sudden blow hit my mental and emotional health that took it down to a solid 1% emotional battery remaining. Honestly, I’ve been riding at a solid 55% emotional battery the past few weeks, but I’ve been afraid to acknowledge it and talk about it under the fear that people wouldn’t want to talk to me, Debbie Downer. It’s easier to hide behind funny jokes and smart comments to try and fake it til you make it, or at least help others not feel the same way. I knew I wouldn’t be able to focus on the work properly, not without breaking down into tears at the slightest mention of anything I associated with the person involved in this event.
When I interviewed for this fellowship, I asked what the best part of the fellowship was. Keira was the only fellow at my interview, and she told me cohort. Lauren mentioned at one point that it surprised people when at a panel about their research, someone asked a similar question and all three fellows answered “Cohort.” R.C. came and checked on me at one point and said we all have to rely on each other because campus really, really is dead right now. I hadn’t understood it, honestly. I’m introverted and anxious, if you met me- and if you found me right now it would be honestly worse. Several years of people I care about hurting me has led to me isolating myself more out of fear of bothering people or looking too needy or inconveniencing them. That wasn’t helping me bond with the other people in the cohort as much as it looked with Keira, Julia, and Lauren.
This weekend changed those feelings. If it weren’t for the cohort, there would probably be some crazier stuff that would keep me from posting, and it wouldn’t be good. My cohort helped get me home and hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. My cohort sent me positive messages and checked on me to make sure I made it safely, and that I was feeling better. Christina’s hashtag documentation was helpful in keeping in the loop, and now I’m back in the house with everyone else after several days at home recharing.
Admittedly, it’s going to take a while to get back to where I was once before shit hit the fan. I can’t describe my feelings about what happened with proper words beyond “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” but I guess I’m just going to say the jokes on the hashtag probably aren’t going to be back for a bit. Also, this might be a pretty personal post to put here, but digital humanities are about preserving and appreciating the human experience. All of us are human, and humans aren’t immune to emotions and pain. I wish I was, but I figured this was good to document. For this paragraph and the entire post’s verbosity (this pattern seems to come up often), I apologize.
For everything else, I just want to say thank you. It means a lot to me, more than you think it does.
-Britt
Thank you for this! I know it wasn’t easy to write. We appreciate your willingness to share.